The topic we decided to talk about is definitely a dilemma most of us will encounter eventually, which is: Can you be friends with your ex girlfriend/boyfriend?
To address this question, we created a survey to research people’s opinions on the matter as well as their personal experiences. We received 74 responses. The majority of those surveyed were between the ages of 18 and 30. The population we surveyed was a mix of men and women.
People who surveyed the topic to our surprise were willing to entertain the option of being friends. This was demonstrated by their responses to the first question: “Can people be friends after they’ve broken up?” Here are the responses:
Can people be friends after they've broken up?
We got a bit more information about people’s actual experiences with relationships with exes by asking “have you ever been friends with an ‘ex’?” The responses to that question were a bit more varied. It seems that about 20% of those who said “Yes” to the first question had not actually experienced friendship with a former partner (they said "no" or "tried to be, but it really didn't work out" or "never had an 'ex'") Check it out:
Have you ever been friends with an "ex"?
Personally I wondered why from the studies people felt comfortable with an ex partner. I looked up some more information about why this might happen. A study was done by Busboom, Collins, Giverts and Levin which took a similar approach to what we chose to use for our study. They surveyed almost 400 college students about their relationship with their most recent former romantic partner. They found a few of the same things as we did when we asked those who were surveyed to add comments and stories regarding their relationships with former partners.
Firstly both of our studies found that the reliability factor plays a major role because some participants who surveyed found it easier to disclose personal information about their lives to old partners. This was part of why they felt inclined to maintain relationships with partners after breaking up. We have seen this in our own lives or in the lives of our friends as well.
Friend’s approval can alter a decision because their views of relationship matter. Your friends may influence you to continue a relationship with your ex because of the benefits that could come from it. Take the guy who buys his girlfriend expensive jewelry whenever they fight- his resources may encourage her to maintain a relationship. The Busboom, Collins, Giverts and Levin study showed that individuals who received more resources from ex partners reported to have higher relationship quality with those former partners (Busboom, Collins, Givertz, & and Levin, 2002). We think that sometimes friends encourage people to stay close with exes because they observe this access to resources and think it is a good thing.
Another major factor in whether a relationship is maintained is comfort. Being familiar with someone you have dated for a long period of time brings a certain level of ease. You are able to share deep issues about your life with an ex partner that only he/she would understand. For example, your parents have been fighting often and divorce has been mentioned during the fights. You may only feel comfortable talking with your ex partner about your feelings about your parents because they had come up in previous arguments. You may already be comfortable sharing with a former partner.
Another reason that we think, and research seems to show, that people become friends after having relations is because life becomes easier without the stress of the title. The actual title of being someone’s girl/boy friend creates pressure for both parties to keep respectful image. Why? You want to keep a respectful image to enhance your relationship among colleagues and friends. We also found that ending a relationship on mutual terms for both parties had greater likelihood of remaining contact. For example, take a couple that has been dating for years and boredom takes over. Though there are no hard feelings, the couple is able to separate and add new people into their lives while maintaining a decent relationship. We had about 10 written survey responses which included comments about the type of break-up playing a significant role in whether or not a friendship was maintained.
Works Cited:
Busboom, A. L., Collins, D. M., Givertz, M. D., & and Levin, L. A. (2002). Can we still be friends? Resources and barriers to friendship quality after romantic relationship dissolution. Personal Relationships , 215-223.
People take personal standards serious for example my house is too small to raise a family therefore I will work hard and save enough money to get a larger one. Embarrassment comes within our personal standards everyone has self-confidence about their abilities to achieve any task may occur. This allows a bar to be set that only we can see and reach because it’s our personal standard about where we should stand. Personal standards let downs could come about in any situation for example professional athletes are expected to skilled beyond the average amateurs level. This is not always the case NBA star Lebron James was dunked on in his own skills camp by a college player.
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Example: Quraan
I remember my sophomore year in high school my basketball team was in the state championship and the team we were playing a team we defeated earlier in the season. The game earlier in the year we destroyed the team by 30 points so everyone in the league figured we would walk away with another title like we did the previous year. Before the game I kissed my girlfriend showing off dunking on the layup line which illegal in high school sports. When the game started we were completely awful we were embarrassed losing by 25 points and my best friend. got dunked on which is like the worst thing that could happen to you in high school ball. The personal standard was set for my team because of the level of excellence we showed throughout the year and the previous year. We also felt like we let down our school and girlfriends for witnessing that lost.
It is funny how Americans are supposed to be this group of very individualistic people but we get embarrassed so easily because we care so much about what others think about us. I think that it’s a funny contradiction because Americans and the rest of the world view America as one of the most if not the most individualistic country. But, we tend to act completely opposite of that. In the article "American Individualism-Really?" some writers saw Americans as being especially conformist and individualistic. They were individualistic in the sense of having been freed from the rule of tradition and feudal authority, but lacking those guides to behavior, they ended up slavishly following public opinion. So the reason that Americans get embarrassed is because they have conformed to the public opinions according to the writers from this article. Because of this conformity people feel embarrassment when ‘‘the expressive facts at hand threaten or discredit the assumptions a participant finds he has projected about his identity’’ according to Erving Goffman, the ‘‘progenitor of modern embarrassment research.’’ Leading from what Goffmand said about embarrassment it can be described as the shame one feels when their inadequacy or guilt is made public.
Throughout the study of embarrassment, researchers have found several different models of embarrassment which we will describe below and give some embarrassing examples of some.
Our first model is the loss of self-esteem model which holds that embarrassment is the result of a loss of self-respect or dignity as a result of the negative evaluations of others. We sometimes feel embarrassed when we loss respect from others and when our dignity is taken away due to the negative evaluations that others give us.
Example: Heather
When I was in High School, I was on the Track and Field team.I primarily did high jump and was pretty highly ranked in our section for the event.Being that I was doing pretty well in the sport, I decided it was time for a nice new pair of shoes.I went into an athletic shoe store and was greeted by a few employees. They asked what sport I did and we talked briefly about track.They asked me about how I was doing this season and my mom told them that I was one of the top jumpers in the section.I had a pretty nice athletic reputation made for myself by the time the employees asked me to hop on a treadmill to film my running.I found out that that was how they helped you get shoes that were really good for your individual build and running style.I got on the treadmill and started to run.However, what I never told them was that even though I was a big track athlete, I’d actually never used a treadmill.When one of the employees pressed the stop button on the machine, I just stopped running. I had no idea that it would stop slowly.Well, due to good ol’ physics, the machine took my feet out from underneath me and I essentially belly-flopped, slamming my face onto the treadmill.
As I stood up with my bruised and “treadmill burned” face, I saw the faces of the three employees who were crowded around the treadmill. They were trying so hard to hold back their laughter that they were almost crying.Finally, one of them was able to utter an “are you OK?” with a straight face, but by then I was too embarrassed to even know how to respond!
Our second model is the social evaluation model which states that an undesired evaluation whether positive or negative will result in embarrassment. Positive evaluation is not one that people usually get embarrassed about but it is possible to be embarrassed from this type of evaluation.
Example: Kumba Who ever thought that one will be embarrassed by receiving positive complements from others but that's what exactly happened to me when I got a new hairstyle lately. With my new hairstyle lately, I have received many compliments from people in spaced times but then I went to a party and I was overwhelmed with all the compliments i received at once. At this party practically everyone I saw gave me compliments about my hair but after the first couple of people I started to feel embarrassed because I was getting all this attention that I really did not want. Do not get me wrong, I was appreciative of the compliments but it all became too much by the end of the party and I remembered acting all shy when I get compliments by the end of the party because I was so embarrassed.
Our third model is the personal standards model which states that embarrassment is a result of conflict between one’s behavior and one’s self-imposed ideals putting a great emphasis on the role of the embarrassed person. This model the evaluation from the self is more important than the evaluation from others of the self.
Example:Kumba
So this past winter break I went back home to west Africa to visit my family which was the first time in 13 years. When I first got there everyone was happy to see me as I was to see them but I felt that they looked at me differently.During my first week there they treated me as if I was an egg like I wasn’t able to do anything. After a while I had to ask…Why are you all treating me like some lazy person who cannot do anything? But that was the case, they acted that way towards me because they thought that I was lazy which is the conceptthey have about all Americans. Of cause I had to ask… what gave you the idea that I was lazy besides having lived the U.S since I was little…they were like the way you walk, talk and look…I was a little mad because I think that I am the last person anyone should associate with laziness. I then went on a mission to try and prove them wrong and change that concept in their minds about me. One of my uncle had a big farm and they were going to harvestso I decided that I was going to help them harvest . To make long story short we were at the farm ready to harvest the rice in this big swamp and I was all determined to be productive but the moment I took my first step into the swamp full of rice I fell flat on my face and ended up with mud all over me and the first thing they said to me was…see, we told you could not do this…I was so embarrassed I wanted to just crawl into a hole and just die. I was trying so hard for my family to see me a non-negative way but I ended up making the situation worse.
Our fourth model is the dramaturgic model which states embarrassment as a result of a disruption of social interaction due to a person’s inability to act his or her given social role. In this model, a person fails to follow his or her social roles that had already been set by society.
Example:Keya
In one of my classes here at UB, my first semester I had to do a presentation in front of the class. It was a fairly easy project nothing too complicated. For days I watched other people do theirs and just breeze through it. On my day I was very prepared and confident all day until I got into the class. My stomach started to rumble as I knew it was getting closer to me. When the teacher called my name it felt like my heart dropped into my stomach. As I walked to the front of my class I swear it felt like my legs were heavy and I could tell I was walking funny from how everybody was looking at me. When I finally got to the front I could barely get any words out, I kept stuttering, and to make things worst as I held my flashcards in my hands they shook steadily! It was the worst! I didn’t even get to do my full presentation and totally flunked it. Sooooo embarrassing!!!
Our fifth model is the transgression of others’ expectations model in which a person is threatened with the possibility of acting in a way that is contrary to the expectations of the other people who are present to witness the behavior. this embarrassment can be due to the person not being sure of how people expect them to act towards for example their positive evaluation. Example: Aaron
When I was riding with my mother (and any time that we are alone really) I was just casually looking out the window and noticed a girl walking down the street. This would just be a normal occurrence at any other time, but I also noticed that she was rather busty as well. I knew that my mom had noticed as well but she caught me very off guard when she said "my, that girl is well endowed". At that moment I was glad that the windows were closed but equally as embarrassed that it was only the two of us in the car. Having anyone;'s mom talk about someone else's breasts is awkward and embarrassing, but having your own mom talk about it directly with you is even worse. The best part is that she did the same thing on a separate occasion and to this day I still hear thesse comments coming in my head before she says them whenever we see any girl with a large chest.
As we can see, embarrassment can be caused by many different things and each model gives different analysis of why people get embarrassed. I noticed that most of the time when we are embarrassed it is due to others evaluation of us. A social anxiety like embarrassment shows us how much people care about other people’s evaluation of them even though most of us would claim that we are independent. I think that it is very interesting how our proclamation of Independence contradicts what really goes on. Maybe it’s just that we really want to be independent individual but the societal influence in our lives does not allow us to do that. The center of attention model of embarrassment states that people are embarrassed just by being the center of attention. But the fascinating thing is why then do some people want attention whiles others do not want this attention? Now that you have read about this, think about what makes you embarrassed. Does your reason for embarrassment goes along with the majority of the model, others evaluation of you, or do you go along with the personal standard model, a discrepancy between your behavior and your set ideals?
Works Cited
Brent Dean Robbins, Holly Parlavecchio. 2006. The Unwanted Exposure of the Self:A Phenomenological Study of Embarrassment. THE HUMANISTIC PSYCHOLOGIST
“Dove Evolution”, the viral video directed by Tim Piper and Yael Staav, sparks a number of questions about attractiveness and the media. The video shows a number of cosmetic changes being made to a woman’s face before she is photographed for an advertising campaign. Once the photograph is taken, it is computer edited to make additional changes to the woman’s physical appearance. Though a myriad of questions raced through my mind as I watched the woman’s appearance change, two questions stood out. I repeatedly found myself asking “why” after each alteration was made to the woman’s face. Why were each of these changes made? Why did cosmetic artists choose to paint the woman’s face in that way? Why was her hair curled and made to look larger and “wilder”? Why was the woman’s face thinned, her eyes moved and widened and her lips enlarged?
In addition to asking questions regarding the rationale for the changes made to the woman’s face, as a viewer, I found myself wondering about the societal implications of having “altered” images in the media. The question of societal implications is a broad and challenging one. However, before it can be addressed, it is important to dig more deeply into the rationale for the cosmetic and digital changes made to photographs used in advertising.
When the woman in “Dove Evolution” is being photographed, she is not smiling. According to Christina Kotchemidova, open smiles are characteristic of twentieth-century snapshots (Kotchemidova, 2005). However, the advertising campaign simulated in “Dove Evolution” does not use a photograph of a smiling woman. A 2004 study by Trumble suggests that people started to say “cheese” in order to imitate movie stars (Kotchemidova, 2005). If this is the case, why have the creators of an advertisement asked their model not to smile? It seems that smiling is both a common practice in snapshot photography and in popular cinematic media.
One possible explanation for the neutral, or even slightly sad, demeanor of the model in “Dove Evolution” may be found in a 2004 study done by Jennifer Fortman. Fortman’s study explored the manner in which facial expressions impacted the way an observer perceived an unknown individual and established attributions of the individual’s credibility and attractiveness. In the Fortman study, participants filled out a questionnaire after viewing slides with photographs of people displaying the six basic emotions (happiness, sadness, surprise, disgust, anger, fear). A portion of the questionnaire focused on the perceived physical attractiveness of the people in the photographs. The results of the study showed that “happiness and sadness were the only expressions that were actually considered physically attractive” (Fortman, 2004). According to Fortman, sadness was also found to elicit an “approach response” (2004). It is possible that the neutral or slightly sad facial expression was chosen for the model because it would elicit both a perception of physical attractiveness and an “approach response”. There also appears to be an element of intrigue or mystery associated with a less clear or definable facial expression.
Once there is a slight understanding of the non-smiling behavior of the model in “Dove Evolution”, the subsequent elements of the evolution of her photograph can be addressed. One of the first changes made to the model’s face was to cover it in make-up. A possible explanation for this cosmetic covering is that the cosmetic artists were trying to achieve facial symmetry. The model had some blemishes on her face and uneven coloration under her eyes. The makeup used achieved an even cover and increased the symmetry of the model's skin. A study by Rotem Kowner showed that in older adults, facial symmetry made a significant impact on attractiveness (Kowner, 1996). Facial symmetry is also viewed as more attractive than asymmetry in younger people (Saxton, Kohoutova, Roberts, Jones, DeBruine, & Haylicek, 2010) and may be a factor in decisions made by cosmetic artists in “Dove Evolution”.
In addition to adding a large amount of makeup to the face of the model, many digital changes were made. It is possible that some of the changes, such as the slimming of the face, were made because of the way thin appearance is correlated with attractiveness (Chung & Bissell, 2009). A 1986 study by Michael Cunningham also explains a great deal of the digital alterations made to the photograph. Through extensive study, Cunningham found that males were attracted to women possessing the “neotate features of large eyes, small nose area, small chin and widely spaced eyes” (Cunningham, 1986). These findings help to explain why the model’s eyes were enlarged and chin was thinned by the computer program prior to the advertisement publication. Additionally, Cunningham discovered that males also found “wide cheekbones and narrow cheeks, and the expressive features of highly set eyebrows, wide pupils” to be especially attractive in females. This gives extra explanation for the slimming of the model’s face as well as the accentuation of her eyebrows. The decisions made by the photograph editor helped to make the model’s photograph align better with what has been scientifically proven to be seen as attractive.
With an understanding of the myriad of changes made to photographs before they are often presented in the media, one must begin asking questions about the societal impact of “doctored” photographs in the media. Chung and Bissell explore this question in their 2009 paper “Global Perspectives of Beauty and Attractiveness: A Cross-Cultural Analysis of American and Korean College Students’ Mental Images of Beauty”. The researchers found that repeated exposure to the “ideals” in the media lead to “an increased internalization and fantasizing by women and girls to obtain the body shape and the facial attractiveness of what’s been seen in the images” (Chung & Bissell, 2009). Though “Dove Evolution” clearly demonstrates that media images of beauty are not achieved naturally, most women are unaware of this fact, and continue to pursue “perfection”. It has been shown that girls and young women are influenced strongly by mediated images which show exceptionally thin female models. Women influenced by these images may struggle significantly with low self-esteem, body image dissatisfaction, anorexia, bulimia and depression (Chung & Bissell, 2009). It is difficult to process the information regarding the impact of mediated images on our society because it is so wide-reaching and varied. Though research helps to explain that images may be altered to more closely fit what western cultures already perceive as “attractive”, we must begin to ask questions about whether it is healthy to portray artificial achievement of attractiveness.
References:
Chung, J. Y., & Bissell, K. (2009). Global Perceptions of Beauty and Attractiveness: A Cross-Cultural Analysis of American and Korean College Students' Mental Images of Beauty. Conference Papers- National Communication Association (pp. 1-22). Communication and Mass Media Complete.
Cunningham, M. R. (1986). Measuring the Physical in Physical Attractiveness: Quasi-experiments on the Sociobiology of Female Facial Beauty. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 952-935.
Fortman, J. (2004). The Role of Facial Expressions of Emotion in Attributions of Personality Characteristics. Conference Papers- International Communication Association (pp. 1-39). Communication and Mass Media Complete.
Saxton, T. K., Kohoutova, D., Roberts, S. C., Jones, B. C., DeBruine, L. M., & Haylicek, J. (2010). Age, Puberty and Attractiveness Judgements in Adolescents. Personality and Individual Differences, 857-862.
Below are a few more of our group’s thoughts and media examples of issues of attractiveness in the media.
Physical attraction is an important element within the work place and socially among our peers. Physical appearance within the social environment benefits the person who is found attractive. Physical attraction does not mean you’re sexually attractive to the person but something about the individual sparks our interest. Guys may find huge FAKE!!! However, some men may find large breasts attractive and some may just like females with blonde hair. Some may like both large breasts and blonde hair. This is an example of a woman in the media who demonstrates the image of an “attractive” large chested, blonde woman. Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock are media icons.
Being attracted to the clothing or lack thereof may be the case for certain people. For example a female may find a guy who wears skinny jeans attractive. This does not mean she is going to marry the guy because of his denim jeans, but it is a personal attribute that she finds unique and interesting. We all have a type that we find attractive. Some people may make fun of guys who wear extremely tight jeans.
